Hello, Failure

Of all the enemies of literature, success is the most insidious

Monday, June 23, 2003

Failure of the Day: The Incredible Bulk

Oy. This was our punishment for missing Daredevil, I think. Holy crap, this is a stupid movie. And also full of Anti-Chris and Anti-Nancy goodies. They rate movies for sex and violence so you know when that's in there, but do they rate them for needles and effies? No. (Effies: amphibian creature, starts with the letter F, Kermit The…etc. You know what I mean. Hate them so much I can't even type the word.)

So the whole first pointless exposition segment was chalk full of needles, so I had to cover Chris's eyes and tell him when it was over. The whole second pointless exposition segment was chalk full of effies, so Chris had to cover my eyes until it was over. Nice. Thanks a lot, Ang.

Or how about the Angry Man himself, who spent most of his digitized time making me think of words like "hippity-hoppity." He bounced all the hell over the desert, but not before having to punch the lights out of three Incredible Hulk Dogs, one of which was poodle, for Chrissakes.

And then there's the wildly unnecessary split screen effect, used in what seemed like nearly every scene. It was a neat way to look at four different angles of a single boring thing. And lest I forget, none of the fancy-pants military and scientist geniuses ever figured out that you don't actually have to do anything to stop him except wait for him to poop out. But they went right on firing missiles and guns at him.

About the nicest thing I can say about the movie is that I was occasionally mesmerized by Sam Elliott's moustache, which is most perfectly trimmed thing I have ever seen, but I kept waiting for him to say "Beef. It's what's for dinner."

So yes, it was terrible and as an added bonus it was long. Super extra bonus: I'm writing about the goddamn thing today, same as everybody else, I suspect.


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