Failure of the Day: What to Do

You know whose fault it is? Hippies. It’s the fucking hippies’ fault. What could have been a greater gift to the status quo than that snake oil salesman Tim Leary making it cool to drop out of society. Yeah. Way to stick it to the man. Moron.

And now, as before, the antidote to hippies is punk rock. Bear with me; it’s an analogy.

Salon.com ran a nice piece recently about protesting the christian taliban by engaging in deviant behavior. They suggest having kinky sex, buying and making porn, getting divorced, and listening to gangsta rap. I’m all for that. (Except for the divorce part. That’s not so much gonna happen.) I despise what the powers that be are doing to my society, and in response, I intend to oppose them by being as anti-social as I can.

Now this is when the idiot latter-day hippies would say to drop out by running to Canada or giving up on politics and ignoring the world. But listen: Not This Time. Don’t let them sell you that. Instead, reflect their ugliness right back to them in the most blatant way you can think of. I myself have decided to become a Satanist. I’ve already got the Satanic Bible and Anton LeVey used to live 3 blocks from me. And oy, I’m up to here already with Christian baby blood from all the matzos I’ve eaten.

And OK, we’re all almost 40 and old farts and all that, but come on! We love the punk rock! We all remember how much fun it was to have suburban ladies clutch their children when they saw us in the grocery store when we were only trying to buy Cling-Free. It’s that easy to scare the JesusBots. In restaurants, just toss off an occasional “hail, Satan” before you eat. Say things like: “Oh my Satan, you wouldn’t believe how much anal sex I had last night! If we hadn’t made a video of ourselves and posted it on the Internet, I wouldn’t believe it myself!” It’ll be fun.

I might also become a cannibal, but it depends on how many carbs are in human flesh.