Hello, Failure

Of all the enemies of literature, success is the most insidious

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

Failure of the Day: English Majors On A Rampage

We mailed off a response to our satanic former landlords yesterday. It was a good letter—we addressed all their points in a concise and profession manner, we used words like aforementioned and spurious, and we explained in detail how and why their allegations against us are entirely false. But it just wasn't, y'know, satisfying. So to ease our Moral Outrage, we decided to compose another letter.

Dear Lying Assholes:

Although we were briefly shocked by your ludicrous, malicious, and greed-driven accusations, we quickly recovered ourselves when we remembered that you are lawyers as well as landlords, and as such, this type of behavior is quite typical. The only thing we could truly be surprised at is the enormity of your ignorance. Shouldn't you, as attorneys, have been aware that you presented us with a signed document attesting to the condition of our apartment? Never mind as attorneys—as individuals with some sort of central nervous system? Are you unaware of your own actions?

But we are generous people, so we should perhaps assume that you possess some degree of self-awareness and know that you presented us with that document. In which case, we must also assume that in your fantasy version of the events now playing out, we would be so terrified and intimidated by the spectre of your letter and its accusations and threats as to cower, drop our pants, and open our wallets in hopes that the monster will go away. How unfortunate it must be for you to watch the events unfold somewhat differently.

You accuse us of acting in violation of our lease. Unfortunately again for you, we, as graduates of a truly fine kindergarten, are able to read words on paper. This surprisingly useful skill enabled us to know what the lease allows and what it does not. And it is this very knowledge that we use to point out not just the absence in the lease of the rule you say we broke, but the presence of a rule you yourself broke. Part of the problem of course, is that you included a copy of our lease with your letter. Handy tip: when making accusations, don't include the proof that the accusation is false.

That you could make so many obvious and laughable errors is understandable—after all, your heads are clearly so far up your asses that you resemble nothing so much as a Bosch painting. But that you thought we would fall for such an obvious and artless attempt at pickpocketry—that is truly offensive.

Please rot in hell at your earliest convenience,

Nancy Depper
Chris Rose


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