Hello, Failure

Of all the enemies of literature, success is the most insidious

Friday, May 23, 2003

Failure of the Day: Nutrition, Part 5

And our final candidate is the succinctly-if-redundantly titled Cliff Bar Energy Bar, Chocolate Chip. It's got a drawing of a guy hanging perilously off a mountain on the package. They are perhaps trying to warn me that eating their product will put me at some risk of falling from a great height… again, a questionable marketing strategy. But more likely they are flattering me…eaters of this bar are daredevils, they suggest, real risk takers! Who knows what adventure I will undertake next?

And the first thing one notices is how difficult it is to open the wrapper. I almost knocked myself out of my chair pulling the thing apart—not a good sign for those among us inclined to eat this while actually hanging off that mountain!

The bar itself is genuinely horrible-looking. I was concerned that it was merely chocolate chip flavor and not chocolate because there really isn't much information about the flavor of the material in which the chocolate chips are embedded, and sure enough, it's just a bunch of oat-and-nut-looking stuff glued together.

Ok then. One tiny bite and Ah! Ah! Ah! Get! This! Out! Of! My! Mouth!. It's VILE. Bitter and sticky and altogether too reminiscent of the stuff sold in health food stores in the 70s…remember? In the days before granola had marshmallows? Bleeaach! Easily the worst of all this week, even worse than the High Protein Balance Complete Nutrition Energy Bar, Chocolate, to which I admit giving a small bonus for the attempt at chocolate. This one made no effort even to try to hide its awfulness, and that feels disrespectful to me. I have no choice but to consider the Cliff Bar Energy Bar, Chocolate Chip my Personal Enemy.

Rating: F.


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