Failure of the Day: March Sadness: While You Were Gone Pt. 3

Is it just me or was it especially cold today? I woke up freezing and just got colder as the day progressed. I had the thermostat cranked up to 120 but I just couldn't get the chill from my bones.

There was only one thing that would do the trick: fire. I needed to make a fire. There was only one problem—I don't have a fireplace. OK, two problems. I also don't have any firewood.

By noon, my teeth were chattering and I just couldn't take it anymore. I took an axe to our coffee table until it was a pile of lumber. Then I poured a gallon of cooking oil and grabbed my one of old cigarette lighters and set the whole mess alight right where it lie, in the middle of the living room.

I warmed myself on the wonderful coffee table glow for as long as I could but all too soon the flames began to subside. I needed more fuel and fast! I threw the sofa on the fire but soon that was exhausted. I added the bookshelves and dining room table but again, all too soon the fire was dying. Finally, I had no choice. There was only one flammable thing left in the apartment: the 6 foot tall cardboard Superman. I picked him up and threw him on the fire without a second thought. And do you know, that fire is burning still, hours and hours later? It is! It's a regular Chanukkah redux here! Boy, this is sure turning into an interesting week!